So, who exactly is Teh Evil Penguin?
Some say I’m the shadowy figure that watches you while you sleep, ready to haunt your nightmares and suck out your soul. Some people say I’m the leader of a band of rabid terrorist alpacas hell bent on world domination. Some even claim I’m the man who shot J.F.K. (which I’m not, although the fucker owes me a blowjob from Marilyn Monroe and $250 from a night of poker in the Oval Office).
Allow me to enlighten you on my true identity.
I was born at the South Pole on 12 February 1912, exactly 63 days after that Norwegian fuck Roald Amundsen reached the most sourthern point on this pathetic mud ball known as Earth. In victory, he decided to fuck a female emperor penguin, and his crew decided to get in on the act, turning it into a zoophilic gangbang. After I was born, Amundsen decided to come back and take me back with him to Norway. He brought me up, taught me Norwegian, the great wonders of the Arctic, and the stunning thrill of being cornholed by a thoroughbred steed.
Unfortunately, my father went missing in 1928 on a rescue mission to the Arctic. And, when I say he went missing, I meant he tried to slide a finger up my ass and I crashed the fucking plane right off the coast of Alaska.
For the next two years, I made my way south to the United States. While in Canada, I met a mute Norwegian prostitute whom I dubbed “That Skank”. That Skank and I performed live sex shows in front of audiences of lumberjacks in the Yukon before being discovered and flown to Vegas in 1935. We performed once a day (twice on Sundays with her dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl and me like the Pope) for seven years until she died of a massive orgasm on stage. Guess that’s why they told me not to hook up the vibrator to the Imbert downdraft generator we had conspicuously hidden behind the curtain. In any event, I got her life insurance policy and all the money we made, pretty much making me a made man from there on out.
Thankfully, WWII came about so my life didn’t go from horny to boring overnight. I participated in Operation Torch the day after That Skank’s funeral, and soon became the top scientific adviser to the Allies. Everything I know today came about from setting up their biological and nuclear programs. Hell, I was the one who covertly introduced the Nazis and the Japanese to shake-’n-bake methamphetamine, and drove Hitler to kill himself after playing Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” for nine hours outside his personal dwelling.
After WWII, I began to conspire against both Washington D.C. and The Kremlin in hopes of sliding in the middle of the Cold War and blowing those fuckers apart. Unfortunately, my extension cord wasn’t long enough to reach the control panel so I could fire the 1.21 gigaton warheads, so my plans of world domination faded to moving to Illinois after the Iron Curtain fell and a U.S. Senate race against Barack Obama, which I lost after offering him a forty and a blunt before a debate. So, naturally, I sent him a truck load of watermelon and access to free KFC for a year as a token of sportsmanship.
In 2007, I opened up Teh Evil Penguin on MySpace and soon became a semi-active member of MANtana, assisting El Presidente with pillaging teh Interwebz with the 69th Mudkipz Bomber Squadron, 413th Division.
I left MySpace in 2008, the same time I took to Facebook. After a three year hiatus, I have returned to teh Interwebz with much lulz to be had and epic win to uncover.
So, I invite you to join me in my quest, and together we shall set forth in search of major booty!
SRSLY, I want to find this woman. I would pound her ass into diamonds.