18 August 2011

Teh Evil Penguin Hits It Big

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRANSMISSION FROM THE PENGUIN LAIR, ANTARCTICA ——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

My fellow denizens of teh interwebz, I have exciting news that has come to me just three days ago!

As many of you know, my upbringing by my Norwegian zoophilic adventurer father has allowed me to travel the world and see the wonders it holds. I've seen it all, been on all six continents (counting Asia and Europe as one, suck it if you disagree with me), sailed all seven seas, and have been inducted into the mile high club multiple times over. I've dined with kings and ate rotting pig rectum with bushmen. I have even discovered that I have relatives on other continents, mainly on the southern tips of Africa and South America.

Three days ago, I received a message via Skype from a lawyer in Malaysia regarding one of my relative's demise, which I would like to share with you all.

[8/15/2011 3:45:27 PM] Honorable: Mufaad al Mazid: Dear Mr. Teh Penguin

Although there has not be any correspondence between us, I will appreciate it if you take to read this all important E-mail. On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Mr. Martin G. Penguin, my late client who was a victim of a car accident on the Kuala-lumpur <KLIA> Highway (M40) in March 2005, a prominent client of mine who happens to share the same LAST NAME with you.

I am Mufaad al Mazid , a Malaysian attorney at law. My late client died leaving behind a large sum of money to the tune of Eighteen Million Three Hundred Thousand United States Dollars. At the vault of a financial institution here in my Malaysia.

My reason for contacting you is because you have the same family name as my late client as I will need your assistance to secure the above mentioned financial estate else the government will declare the funds unservicable and that will be a shame. All attempts to find anyone related to my late client proved futile as he died with no will.

I've been mandated by the bank to present the next-of-kin to the deceased or the funds will be confiscated of which I have received two notifications from the bank recently.

I want you to consider this proposal. If you would accetp that I present you to the bank as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my deceased client (since you have the same last name) with him, so that the value of his account can be transferred to you, then we can share the entitlement on a mutually agreed percentage.

All legal documentation to back up your claim as my deceased client's next-of-kin will be provided. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.

Should my proposal offend you or contradict your moral ethics, I apologize. Should you be interested and wish to help, do reply to me and we can discuss our plan of action, kindly get back to me via E-mail; mufaad@lawyer.com.

Kind Regards,

Honorable: Mufaad al Mazid

(Attorney at Judicial)
Did you get that? My dead uncle just willed me $18.3 million!

My homeboy Joseph Ducreux couldn't have said it any better.

Oh, the places I could go and the things that I could do with all that money!

First, I'd finally buy that ocean front property I've been dying to get my grubby lil' flippers on.

Hell, he said he'd even throw the Golden Gate in free! Fuck yeah, two-for-one'ers!

Second, I think I'll grab some new arsenal.

Because, a man is only as good as his weapon.

I need some odds and ends here at Teh Penguin Lair, anyhow.

A spiffy costume wouldn't be too bad, either.

If I really need to explain this running gag to you, you probably shouldn't be reading this fucking blog.

Hell, I'll even throw a party to break in my beach house, everyone's invited!

Tupac Shakur's bringing the music, providing the entertainment, and bringing Biggie, who's providing the noms.

Amelia Earhart's going to do airplane rides for the kiddies and those tripping on ecstasy.

Sorry, but this douchebag isn't invited. Fuck the Easter Bunny, that motheryiffing furry fuck.

So, now that we've hashed out the basics, it's time for me to go to Malaysia to pick up my sweet, sweet reward!

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— END TRANSMISSION


  1. CONGRATZ, BRO! To, date I have been contacted by lawyers and informed I have many relatives that died in the World Trade Centers... in fact, counting all the letters up, more than the actual death toll than the so-called media claims.

    I would have collected all my inheritances, but where was Moishe or Maria Estrangella de la Vega Brooks when I needed them growing up? Fuck em... glad they're dead.

  2. I would probably think it was a scam. I'll be honest. However, if it was true, I would crap my pants and then spend all of the money on vacations to exotic lands where I could score designed merchandise for a cheaper price than in the States. Then, I would return home and rub all of my designer goods in my friends' faces.

    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

  3. My name is Dr. Joseph F.Armand, and I received the same message last week on my skype address from the Honnorable my ass Mufaad...and ask him right away to send me $9,900.00 US in God! we trust fresh dollars by Western Union immediately, and told him: I want my fucking $18,300,000.00 dollars right now you fat ugly peace of shit! Well, he didnt sent me the Western Union... nor my MONEY!!! I laugh so much about that, he is a nigerian scammer, I had already spent all that 18,3 by monday morning!!! My wife left me, my mistress dump me even my dog run away!!!Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Good luck Mustafa!

  4. @Anonymous

    I have no idea who you are or if you're a spambot, and I really don't care. That gave me quite the chuckle.

  5. Somehow I don't think the Easter Bunny would approve of your spending habits or your blowing him off.

  6. @Static
    That's what the fucker gets for getting way too plastered last New Year's Eve. He ended up trying to felch the Keebler elves while snorting a whole bag of crushed robin eggs. He's also to blame for me being barred from making apple pie shots with Everclear.


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