15 August 2011

Teh Evil Penguin on Writer's Block

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRANSMISSION FROM THE PENGUIN LAIR, ANTARCTICA ——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last few weeks (or just happen to not follow me on Twitter, I'm a man (er-penguin) for the ladies. However, with this whole Warren Jeff's thing...

You know what? Fuck it. I can't type a damn thing tonight.
I mean, first I have the Goatse man Kirk Johnson with a plethora of brown dildos in his gaping brown eye that reminds me of the Eye of Sauron. I mean, if that isn't enough to throw somebody off their game, I don't know what is. Second, there's so much I can do on this child rapist (and America's newly elected sick fuck-in-chief Warren Jeffs that I don't know where to fucking start. I tip my hat to any man who can handle more than one wife, but when those more than one wives are under 18 and his rape victims, he ought to chemically castrated as such:
Yes, I know it's mirrored. Goddamned copyright laws.
Third is that I've got the writer's block - a blogger's worst nightmare, especially when he or she is on a schedule of getting at least one blog out a week. Forget the fact that we've become so addicted to technology that now have fully functioning internet browsers inside automobiles. Forget that rednecks can have mobile hotspots within their Chevy trucks, those fucking Nazis are changing the goddamn game when it comes to surfing the internet while cruising the interstate at 75 mph. And, forget having to sign up for a YouJizz account to view porn from your smart phone, now pretentious cocks can watch porn in the middle of rush hour gridlock without the need to set up seven proxies on their smartphones or mobile broadband devices.

"Hit the gas, Cletus! Them there FBI men in black are trackin' us whiles I watch our cousin Bubba fuck a horse! Damn, she got gooder titties'n I recollect!"

And on a side note, let's see how long it takes Blog.com to delete this post because of this picture!

Then we've got the economy going up and down and up and down and around the loop de loop (where's my goddamned hula hoop?!) before ending with a 100 ft free fall into a pool of stagnant water shat in by the last three months' riders. While it's making a comeback, everyone's still bitching about who's to blame: the Democrats, Republicans, Americans, corporations, the Greeks, the whole of Western civilization, the Jews, or lupus. For the love of God, up the shut fuck! I mean, half of this has to do with the fact that the markets ebb and flow. With each recession, there's an equal and opposite boom. May take longer than the dip, may take quicker, but it all eventually evens out. A quarter of the blame goes toward the fact that the U.S. dollar is the main currency for stocks around the world. And the last quarter goes to all of these fucking governments who rape their citizens in the ass and take their taxes, the corporations who rape their customers int he ass and take their taxes in the form of tax breaks and bribing the politicians, and the people themselves for allowing themselves to get raped in the ass and having their taxes taken from them.

Because we all know it's never lupus.
Last, but certainly not least, we have Tiger Woods completely bombing at the PGA Championship. I can't blame the guy. I mean, when you've got the most raw talent anyone has ever seen, have become a role model for billions of people around the globe, have a fiiiIIIIiiine supermodel wife, and are the shining star of a rich man's/drunken Scotsman's sport, it's really hard when you throw it all away on hookers. I mean, the stress of pleasuring all those women gets to your head and you have to make some difficult sacrifices. Which, unfortunately, must be your wife, kids, and raw and unadulterated talent. It's all about getting your priorities straight.

Where Charlie Sheen got his idea for Tiger Blood from.
I mean, a golfer wasting his God given gift on a little bit too much sex is no worse than those two pot smoking douchefags Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Phelps.

Multi-time Olympic gold medalist, shoe-in for 2012 U.S. Olympic swim team.

Youngest Mr. Universe in history, Conan the motherfuckin' Barbarian, Governator.

Washed up golfer, #129 on the PGA Championship scoreboard, sex fiend.
You see, with all these different stories I have that I can do, I'm losing my mind here. So much, in fact, that I've hit the wall in what I can write about. For the first time in my life, I can't think of a single damn thing to talk about in ANY sort of detail whatsoever. Oh well, things can't possibly get any worse.

God damn you all! Damn you all to hell!

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  1. Whoa, dude. Thanks in advance for the nightmares.

    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

  2. @Bonnie

    You're quite welcome. What can I say? I aim to please.


Write yer shit, get it posted. Simple enough?