15 August 2011

Teh Evil Penguin on Stupidity

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRANSMISSION FROM THE PENGUIN LAIR, ANTARCTICA ——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Stupid people piss me off. Now, I'm not talking about people who didn't do well in school, airheads, waterheads, or even jackasses.

Goddamnit, I just can't make fun of him. Still too soon.
I'm talking about the people whose very existence brings the global IQ down about 500 points, whose sheer ignorance is the reason why we have childproof lids on Tylenol and warnings on cups of coffee that "Contents may be hot". Of course it's going to be hot you dumb cunt, it's fucking coffee! Unless you're the goddamn Batman, hot coffee's going to hurt and leave burns when it hits your leg.
It's like watching a child put a penny in an electrical socket: you know you should keep him/her from doing it, but watching the poor bastard get hurt from their own ignorance is just too much to pass up. Besides, they fucking deserve it. Like the kid who fell down a well shaft in her backyard and it took rescuers a few days to get down to the kid and pull her back up. I don't care how many times you've seen Alice and her tweaked-out Victorian muff do it, falling down a big assed hole does NOT lead to Wonderland.

It leads to one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
People like these, child and adult, ought to be corralled into the Great Salt Lake after a gigantic lightning generator's been installed right in the middle and before they set that sonofabitch off. Those who survive will (hopefully) get a stroke of genius that lasts longer than the last time they wanked. And those who don't make it will probably look like Joan Rivers when left out in the summer Arizona sun for more than ten minutes. Some of the worst offenders on my list of ignorant people I want to throw in a Howitzer and play Human Cannonball with are gang bangers.

You're doing it wrong... wait, no, you may be doing it right. What can I say, I dig pinstripes.

Now, let's get one thing clear: I'm not a racist penguin. I hate everyone - black, white, brown, red, yellow, orange, blue, mujado, Oreo, Bill Gates, Fox News, everyone. Especially Fox News. But, gang members are some of the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet. Case in point:

Yours truly almost got into a nigga moment just this last week. Sit back, relax, grab some absinthe and some popcorn and enjoy.

I'm driving down the sideroads during lunch hour to beat the crowd. First mistake, NEVER take sideroads. That leads to mugging, drive-bys, and running into the bastard psycho serial killer than uses the femurs of his victims to sodomize people before gnawing through their genitalia to their pancreas.

Anywho, I'm driving along when I see this guy trying to cross the road. Now, look back at the nigga moment video. The guy in red? Replace the red with black and the jeans with sweatpants, and you've got an accurate description of what this poor douche looked like. I see this fucker trying to cross the street, but a car's turning left into the oncoming lane. "Surely," I think to myself. "Surely, this guy ain't thinking about crossing when he sees me coming." Sure enough, he walks out in front of the other car and right in front of me, causing me to slam on my brakes.

Let me repeat this: he walked out in front of the other car turning into the oncoming lane, and then walked out in front of me, who he should've seen coming two blocks away.

So, I slam on my brakes, and this guy starts cussing me out in what I can only describe as gangspeak. I didn't understand a goddamn word he was saying, partially because I was shocked that I almost raised the global IQ level about a half a point.

At this point, two things ran through my head so fluidly and clearly, that it caused me to get the deer in headlights look. The first thing was to roll down the window, yell at him to go back and finish elementary school so he could learn to cross the fucking street like a big boy, then pull around him and go on my way. The second thought was to roll down the window, pelt a cup of tea that's been festering and growing toxic mold for the last three months at his 33 pound head, flip him off, proceed to ask him in a very civilized manner "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO. YOU. SPEAK IT?!", and run his ass down like the fairy fuck that he is.

Let's see if I get the Photobucket treatment for this pic.

Clearly, this has gotten far out of control. I can understand nuking people off the face of the planet, but offing yourself is another subject for another blog. Thus, in closing, before you decide to go hunting with Dick Cheney, put on grandma's dentures that's been sitting in the same glass of water for the last three weeks, or go up to Smokey the Bear and ask him if he wants a jay, pull your head out of your ass and smell the insanity. I know you're probably thinking to yourself, "But TEP, we all can act like a complete invalid every one in a while, what's the worst that could happen?"

You end up like Ryan Dunn, with car parts in your ass.
 —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— END TRANSMISSION

RIP Ryan Dunn, it's still hard to believe you're gone. This one's for you, buddy.

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