15 August 2011

Teh Evil Penguin on Hollywood


Since I'm a broke Antarctic psychopath doomed to watch redhead MILF gloryhole porn on Jizztube, I haven't been able to see any of the blockbuster movies hitting the big screen. And, by what I've seen in the last few years, means I haven't missed anything but boring bullshit and half-cracked ripoffs.

This isn't to say that I'm 100% appalled at what seems to be the utter self-destruction of Hollywood as we know it, there are some movies that I've missed and some out now that I legitimately want to watch.
Case in point: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

I'd love to have a fucking drink with Hagrid.

The boy-wizard/magical alcoholic/Mark Hamill of this generation, who, over the course of a decade, has made little girls cream into early puberty and caused the virginity rate of males to skyrocket quicker than America's debt in the same timespan, is finally fucking graduating school by cracking some skulls and kicking the shit out of some no-nosed asshat.

I haven't read any Harry Potter books and I haven't completed the movie saga, but even I'm a little bit addicted to the series spawned by a homeless-delusional-crackwhore-turned-millionaire.

Too soon?
And the list of movies I want to see goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

What can I say, I've been on a country music kick lately. By the way, anyone have a good copy of this fucker's mugshot?
But even longer than that list is the list of movies that Hollywood has either butchered, ruined, or completely dropped the ball on like the boys attending Westboro Baptist Church whenever they play sports (because even playing with balls makes you an abomination unto Jehovah, or some shit like that).

To prove my point, let me give three examples of good movies gone bad.

Final Destination

"Rest In Pieces" - Because we haven't heard that fucking joke before.
The only thing better than a horror movie with a kickass killer is when the kickass killer is the ULTIMATE kickass killer of all time: Death itself.

I mean, think about it: how many times had Jason, Freddy, and Michael Myers died? Numerous. Shit, even God (supposedly) got killed in the Golden Compass (which is a horror movie in itself, because it sucked worse than a shopvac in a cum dumpster). But Death? Nobody fucks with death. NOBODY.

Well, I take that back, one entity can take even Death and take its malevolent glory and run it into the ground quicker than every reality TV series in history: Hollywood.

You see, the only thing worse than a shitty horror movie is when a kickass horror movie gets dragged on for fucking ever because it still makes money. It may not be the case with Saw (because it does have a fairly decent storyline), but thus is the case with Death's greatest hits. Every movie since the first has taken the premise of Death kicking everyone's ass from awesome to entertaining to "wut?" to annoyingly mindnumbing bullshit extremes.

And the worst part about everything... is that they have a sixth and seventh movie being filmed back to back.

Even Hitler couldn't support such pointless killing.

Air Bud, MVP: Most Valuable Primate, and all these other fucking straight to video family movies

I'm sorry, but I don't want to see a movie where a dog shoots and then scores. Premature ejaculation bestiality porn is where I draw the line.
Air Bud came out in 1997 and because Cartoon Craze's #2 Movie of All-Time, coming in right behind Toy Story. Basically, the golden retriever of an alcoholic clown runs away, grabs a basketball and starts playing better than the entire New York Knicks franchise. It's a great family movie that mixes Like Mike with Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey.

Where they fucked up is all the sequels. I mean, this dog played more sports than Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan!

And probably fucked more bitches, too.
The sad part is, they made fucking spinoffs. Fucking. Spinoffs.

The Air Buddies franchise is about little pups doing off the wall shit, like going to space and searching for Santa Paws. That's right, apparently in this politically correct culture of ours, dogs can celebrate goddamned Christmas but I can't go through Wal-Mart wearing nothing but a Christmas tree banana-hammock on without fucking everyone busting my balls about how I'm wearing inappropriate attire. It's the goddamn holidays: get a fucking grip, pull the beaus of holly out of your twats that probably smell like the manger Jesus was born in, and have a little fucking Christmas cheer!

Plus, they put a fucking primate on the screen playing sports. M.V.P.: Most Valuable Primate, where a monkey can skateboard, play hockey, and snowboard

You want to see a monkey play sports? Watch the Wildboyz. Or, better yet, go find another assrammer and have a swordfight in the men's restroom of a Waffle House, you inbred piece of shit.

Eat your heart out, Air Bud.
The third movie I'm going to reference is the worst movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I bought the $30 special edition when it came out, watched it once, and haven't watched it since. The sad part is, the television show is absolute genius.

The movie, of course, is this:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters

Gentlemen, behold...
Aqua Teen Hunger Force. In 15-30 minute increments, a television show about a box of fries, a crude milkshake, and a clinically retarded ball of potentially rotting meat is one of the best shows in history. In a nonstop 90 minute marathon, a movie about a box of fries, a crude milkshake, and a clinically retarded ball of potentially rotting meat is so goddamn horrible, it's absolute genius.

After finishing the movie for the only time, I sat staring into space like a mental patient, trying to process the clusterfuck of pointlessness I just consumed. I mean, there's a hint of a storyline, but it's all the extra bullshit that they packed in there that makes absolutely no fucking sense.

I complained about Dudley Do Right, Rockey & Bullwinkle, Looney Tunes: Back In Action, the AvP movies, the new War of the Worlds (fuck the critics, the movie blew), and all the Friday the 13th, Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street remakes, rehashes and additions... but ATHFCMFFT took my brain and filled it with so much fuck that I couldn't properly think about milkshakes without going into a catatonic state.

My head, it just asploded.

Thus, even with Harry Potter, Captain America, Thor and The Hangover 2, I don't think anything released in theaters or on disc this year will do anything to salvage the hope I have for global film industry, nor will it allow me to see the light at the end of this unbearably infinite tunnel and hope that a Second Golden Age of Hollywood will draw neigh.

Wait a second... a movie... about a hobo... with a shotgun?! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!


1 comment:

  1. Mr. A is totally obsessed with "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." It's craziness around the house when it is on.

    Twitter: @GlamKitten88


Write yer shit, get it posted. Simple enough?