15 August 2011

Teh Evil Penguin on Obesity


Okay, so I'm not the thinnest motherfucker in the animal kingdom. Comparatively speaking, if Vladimir Putin was a lion, Queen Elizabeth II was an old hen, and Moammar Gaddafi was the drunken gorilla I taught to pick its nose at the zoo when I was three years old, I would be akin to Kim Jong Il.

"Short, fat, and bat shit insane."
That being said, there's one group of people that pisses me off. They piss me off more than the Jersey Shore lookalike fags, wiggers with their pants below their ass crack, and Michael Bolton. In fact, their very existence fuels my seething hatred towards most of humanity.

These people I speak of, are fat people.

"What a huge bitch!"
Now, let's get one thing straight right off the bat, I don't hate all overweight people. I mean, let's face it, some people have the metabolisms of a 109 year old bag of bones and just can't burn through food. Some people are naturally big and are healthy as a fitness model and fit as a fiddle. Hell, I admire morbidly obese people who actually take the effort to watch what they eat and bust their asses off trying to get healthy and in shape. These people I have no problem with whatsoever.

The ones I have a problem with are these ignorant, sweaty, greasy slobs who say they're 300 pounds overweight because they have a thyroid problem, then proceed to scarf down an eight piece mix bucket with four large sides and a liter of cola like a Shamwow soaking up semen and hooker blood.

"Wine, coffee, syphilis..."
For example, I'm at a Chinese buffet in the U.S. Heartland, the epitome of American gluttony (what can I say, I had a hankering for the best fried rice for 200 miles), when a gaggle of Jupiter-sized leviathans show up, ramming into a couple tables and tipping them over, knocking an innocent bystander unconscious, and exciting little kids who crawl on lap of the older man, calling him "Santa Claus". I share a "DA FUCK?!" glance with my waitress, and head across the DMZ into hostile territory. I head over to grab some obscenely huge (but God-tier) grapes, when I spot one of them is putting a couple pieces of watermelon on her plate, stating she's "trying to find healthier options." So, I humor the woman, and continue on my trek for MSG-laden heaven before sitting back down.

Five minutes later, I realize I forgot the fried rice of Confucius himself, so I get up and head over to get me some hot, salty action. I get a half scoop in to a full batch, not even putting it on my plate, when I feel a tap on my shoulder. Well I say tap, but it felt like someone was prodding me with a kielbasa. I say this because when I turned around, I saw Watermelon Lady with her plate of watermelon... covered in a mountain of fried foods, pizza, pot stickers, honey chicken, and an obscene amount sauce from the General Tso's chicken. She piled her plate high with shit for five minutes. Let me repeat this: For. Five. Fuck. Minutes.

After all that, she has the audacity to ask the most disgusting thing I've heard in an eating establishment to date:

"Don't hog all the fried rice, you little shit! Other people are hungrier than your scrawny ass!"

An artist's dramatization of what happened soon after.
When people do it to themselves, it sickens me. When people do that shit to their kids, it goes beyond all levels of pissed.

I was walking through Wal-Mart two days ago and came across a landwhale with a 10 year old son and two year old daughter, both of whom were fluffy. I have to navigate around this bitch to get some eggs. When I finally get back to my basket, I see that she cleaned out the entire stock of hash browns. An entire goddamn stock of 15 $4 bags of preshredded, precooked, transfat laden hash browns. And she said the most wrong thing I've ever heard in Wal-Mart:

Mom: "I hope this is enough for you, we might eat this all before next week!"

Son: "Can I go back and get an apple?"

Mom: "No! What the hell are you thinking?! You don't need no apple, besides, we can't afford it!"
I thought there was no way I could've gotten any more angry than after I got lectured by Jehovah's Witnesses for answering the door naked, holding the bloodied corpse of a chicken. Truly, I thought I couldn't get vehement at a woman. At least...

I admit, I was more pissed that the fat around her brain kept her from thinking that buying a five pound sack of potatoes would've been easier and cheaper. But, it's shit like this that causes the world to look upon America as a bunch of lazy fat fucks. It's like slapping a child for wanting to read the complete works of Shakespeare instead of playing Super Mario Brothers, or castrating a guy for wanting to screw a supermodel instead of Greta VanSusteren.

Goddammit woman, did you have a fucking stroke? Open the left part of your mouth for once!
I swear to God, if I have to put up with any more bullshit like this, I'm growing a beard, cutting off my leg, replacing it with the leg off of a broken barstool, grabbing a spear and going Captain Ahab on some bitches.


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